All the dirt on how to find a job. . .

If you were to ask me how to get a job, I would answer that you should definitely not go to your interview with a cockatoo on your shoulder. Sure, you want to be remembered. Just not as the guy who brought his bird.

Try pink paper for your resumé. Be gregarious and engaging. But leave your favourite bird at home.

I am sometimes asked to help people find jobs. Perhaps it’s because I actually have one. Perhaps it’s because some people have exhausted all other options. “The way to get a job,” I tell these people, “is to cancel out the myriad ways there are to fail first. Then, only the correct strategy will remain. I think Sherlock Holmes said that, but don’t quote me – I am a writer, and being loose with the facts will harm my reputation. Even though I seem to have got away with it so far.”

Whoops. Please ignore that last bit.

Some of my advice comes from personal experience. “Once, I went straight from a tough, sweaty eight hours on one job to an interview for a different one,” I told one job hunter. “I didn’t have time to clean up first, which was unfortunate because I was covered in grease, dirt and yellow industrial glue. Also, there were twigs matted into my hair.”

Apparently, twig-displaying stinky dirty people were not what the new Woodward’s wanted selling its stereos. I think the store should have seen past the dirt to the real me, which I believe was under there somewhere, but truth be known I myself hadn’t quite discovered yet either.

I also explained to this frustrated job-hunter that some details should be left off a resumé. “I once destroyed a Caterpillar tractor. Seized it up – something about it requiring water in the radiator. Who knew? I crossed off that career highlight. “So, you know, if you’ve destroyed any machinery, don’t go bragging about it to potential employers. “But enough about me. There are other idiots in the world, and we can draw upon their experience, too.”

The folks at OfficeTeam and CareerBuilder.com have done the real work for this column, although they don’t know it. These items can be found in publicly available news releases so I am not even violating copyright law – we lazy writers love that. I’ll end with an original riff or two, and I will have provided a reasonable public service while I’m at it.

Just like always.

Cockatoo guy is one of the interview disasters detailed by OfficeTeam. A few more follow. Quoted are actual executives from actual hiring companies, describing actual idiots who did not succeed in getting the actual jobs they actually interviewed for. • “The candidate sent his sister to interview in his place.” • “The person was dancing during the interview. He kept saying things like, ‘I love life!’ and ‘Oh yeah!’” • “The candidate stopped the interview and asked me if I had a cigarette.” • “We had one person who walked out of an interview into a glass door – and the glass shattered.” • “An interviewee put his bubble gum in his hand, forgot about it, and then shook my hand.” • “A job seeker gestured with his hands so much that he had to sit on them on them to stop.” • “A candidate fell asleep during the interview.” • “Someone showed up for an interview in pyjamas and his hair not combed, like he had just rolled out of bed.” • “The candidate had a big rip in the back of his pants.” • “An applicant was doing really well in the interview until she got to the reason she left her other job. She told us everyone was out to get her.” • “A candidate insulted the interviewer on his choice of tie.” • “The candidate got his companies confused and repeatedly mentioned the strengths of a competing firm, thinking that’s who he was interviewing with.” • “A guy called me by the wrong name during the entire interview.”

CareerBuilder.com, meanwhile, has compiled the top 10 interview blunders. • Candidate answered cell phone and asked that the interviewer leave her own office because this was a "private" conversation. • Candidate told the interviewer he wouldn't be able to stay with the job long because he thought he might get an inheritance if his uncle died – and his uncle wasn't "looking too good." • Candidate asked the interviewer for a ride home after the interview. • Candidate smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room. • Candidate said she could not provide a writing sample because all of her writing had been for the CIA and it was "classified." • Candidate told the interviewer he was fired for beating up his last boss. • When an applicant was offered food before the interview, he declined saying he didn't want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking. • A candidate for an accounting position said she was a "people person" not a "numbers person." • Candidate flushed the toilet while talking to interviewer during phone interview. • Candidate took out a hair brush and brushed her hair.

I have no idea who most of the people mentioned are. But for the record, both my sick uncle and my former boss are feeling much better.

George Lee lives, writes and edits in Edmonton, without the help of a cockatoo. Reach him at piecesofgeorge@featureswest.com.