DANCES WITH WORDS: Do not take a visiting alien to a movie!

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Nick Wolochatiuk

Today’s movies will give your newly arrived alien acquaintance a completely unrealistic, inaccurate and misleading idea of how things really happen here on planet Earth.

It might be led to believe that its UFO will always find a convenient parking spot directly in front of wherever it intends to visit. In the movies, that always happens. Besides, on the screen, the hero’s car never gets a parking ticket nor is it ever towed away for a misdemeanor.

Other real-life driving taboos that are never punished in movies are speeding, aggressive driving and making prohibited left turns. In the movies, 150 kph in school zones is the norm, ramming police cars and fire trucks is quite fine and even if the left turn takes you into the White House parking garage, it’s okay.

Have the ever seen a Hollywood hero suffer any post-brawl aches, bruises or stiffness? The old ones are never afflicted with arthritis or rheumatism as a result of their years and years of falling off cliffs, trekking across Antarctica in July or humping a hundred-pound pack over the summit of Everest.      

If any injury is ever incurred, it’s always just a flesh wound on the left shoulder or the left cheek – but never somewhere embarrassing such as on the left cheek of the buttocks.

The heroine’s impeccable makeup never smudges, nor do her faux eyelashes dislodge. Despite wearing high heels and an oh so very tight miniskirt, she is able to run like a gazelle, fly through the air like an acrobat and drive an Abrams tank and take the controls of a Boeing 747 as if she had been a pilot as early as John A. McCurdy.

In real life, extension cords, ropes and garden hoses self-tangle as if they were copulating cobras. However, in the movies, the assault troops fire a grappling hook to the top of a 50-foot cliff or a seven-storey building with ease, and it always finds a footing secure enough to handle a whole division of attackers.    

The silver screen makes it possible to catch a last-minute direct flight from to any hick airport to another anywhere in the most remote corner of the globe as easily as cake. No need to endure the serpentine line-up to access the ticket desk, the baggage check-in and the security strip search. Airline travel is so uncomplicated when Hollywood makes the arrangements for the actors.

How is it that Angelina Jolie and Daniel Craig (the current James Bond) know every lock’s nine-digit combination, every computer’s six-letter and 14-numeral password, where every obscure side-street leads to, how to reveal hidden access panels and grab onto a speeding express train that just happens to make an unscheduled stop – just to keep an inane story-line going?

Hollywood is not real and its fiction plot-lines and special effects stretch the imagination far beyond my personal breaking point. Ah well, everyone’s tastes are different. I prefer to make my popcorn at home and have my entertainment without a 24-minute preamble of advertising accompanied by an earth-shaking sound system. 

Geographic location: Hollywood, Antarctica, Everest

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