Much has been written about the power of apologies – and about how litigation does not provide enough room for them. Yet apologies are major tools for repairing damage and moving on, when it comes to just about any arena of life.

Mahatma Gandhi said: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Yet some apologies are not accepted. In essence, it boils down to the credibility or believability of the apology.

Let’s say you are the one to apologize. The first step is to realize that you have done something that needs one, and then take responsibility for correcting the situation. The sooner the better. The longer you wait, in fact, the greater the likelihood that the other person will attribute negative thoughts to your delay.

The best time to plant a tree is 25 years ago; the next best time is today. Even if time has past, in other words, making an apology is worthwhile – if only to get rid of the negativity of guilt and embarrassment.

To avoid the credibility gap, you must identify the true reasons that the apology is necessary. If correcting your behaviours does not also address why you behaved poorly in the first place, you will not be able to offer a credible and sustained apology.

In short, you need to explain how your changes in behaviour address the root cause. Remember: an apology serves the needs of both the giver and the receiver.

But words alone are not enough. Actions, it is said, speak louder than words.

You need to make a change so that your sincerity is seen and your credibility as a trustworthy person is maintained. Make a promise to change offending behaviour, and then follow it up.

People know when an apology is not genuine, so talking the talk but not walking the walk is a death knell for your credibility.

Also, be specific about the actions you are apologizing for and the unintended consequence of those actions. That way there is no ambiguity about whether you understand what you are apologizing for and why you are apologizing. Apologies should not be like those prescribed drugs with side effects of their own.

So, why do some of us find it hard to apologize with sincerity?

First, we cannot forgive others if we have not first forgiven ourselves. Your life experience has a direct correlation to how you feel about yourself. How you feel about yourself has a direct correlation with whether you can forgive yourself and forgive others.

Forgiving yourself for your indiscretion or mistake allows you to leave the incident behind – and also allows you to focus that energy on the change in behaviour. It is this factor, I believe, that drives many people to give away the farm in negotiations around making amends and offering restitution.

Apologizing does not build a big ego. Rather, it requires that you have humility. Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking about yourself less. It allows you to focus your energy on how to help others feel that they too are able to show humility in their lives.

What happens if you take responsibility, identify the offending action and its source in yourself, offer a sincere apology with a behaviour change that ensures you will not repeat the behavior – and the other person does not accept it?

It is not about you. You have control over your actions and responses. Others have control over their own behaviours and reactions. If you have done your part and the other person does not respond by accepting your apology, then that is a choice he or she made. It makes sense in the time and place the person occupies.

Trust is essential to any relationship. Events that give rise to the need for an apology undermine the building of that trust. However, mistakes are part of life. Being able to identify and correct our mistakes is central to our ability to create and maintain trust in our relationships.

Friedrich Nietzsche captured the essence of this idea in these words: “What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that I can no longer believe you.”

Acknowledge and identify your mistakes instead of allowing mistakes to indicate apathy towards the relationship. Apologizing, forgiving (yourself and others) and making amends by demonstrating your sincerity by changing your behaviours leads to peace of mind for you and those around you.

It all boils down to your power of choice: to either make things better or leave them to slip through apathy, degradation and despair. Live in a state of humility and remember that it is not all about you.

Only you can choose to accept responsibility for your actions and offer solutions. It is for the other person to choose to accept your apology, and show the same kind of humility and respect you have demonstrated.



Karim Mawani is a registered collaborative family lawyer, mediator and arbitrator in Sherwood Park, Alta. Reach him at adrguru@adrsolutions.ca.