Now that winter is here, and a new calendar year has begun, and winter’s double digit minus Celsius temperatures are with us, and the postal strike is over, I’ve decided to write a letter.
Since I don’t know the address of the current fashion influencers of the Western World, nor the postal codes of the clothing manufacturers in India, China and Pakistan, I’ll just publish it and hope that one of our much better informed Cornwall Seaway News readers will see to it that it gets passed on to the appropriate desks.
Dear ‘Whoever You Are’,
It’s about time you get a letter from a guy who’s endured over 84 Canadian winters. Let’s get this clear: I am not interested in what’s in fashion. I am obsessed by function in what I drive, what kind of house in live in, and what I wear.
Topic in mind is the winter jackets that are offered on the racks of Canadian stores. Some are just ‘fair-to-middling’. In the Quebec stores, I’d just say, “Comme ci, comme ça.” Some are suitable for wearers interested in being fashionable. Me, I’m just interested in wearing something that is comfortable, will keep me warm, keep me dry and allow me to go about my day in an efficient manner.

Here are my specifications for the perfect Canadian winter coat.
• ‘Three-quarter length’, about one and a half feet below the belt, enough to have something to protect your seat when you’re standing or sitting.
• Bright, cheery colour: bright blue, red or green or yellow. Winter days are dull. Our colours should not be. Black is only for funerals.
• Reflective stripes on front, back, and on the side of arms, but in the same colour as coat fabric. No need to look like a zebra, but it’s important to be shown up by motorists’ headlights.
• Zipper closure front, with Velcro flap over closure to prevent snow and ice from forming on the zipper.
• Water repellant fabric. You’ve heard of ‘The January Thaw’. It can come any time between December and April.
• A non-detachable hood that zips into the collar for storage. Nothing better than a hood to keep out anything nasty. A detachable one could be accidentally left behind.
• At the waist or bottom, a draw closure to prevent up-drafts during severe winds. During the winter, ‘the wind she blows!’
• Two lined pockets at chest height, and two larger pockets near waist, all with flaps with button-down or Velcro closures.
• An interior zipper closure pocket, left side. Ultra discreet, ultra secure for credit card, cash and passport.
• The insulated liner could be removed, making the coat wearable in milder temperatures.
If you are a manufacturer who has a coat that meets my specifications, (I’m 5’8”, and weigh 175 pounds.) please send it to me at P.O. Box 623, Ingleside, Ontario, K0C 1M0, Canada. If you provide return air fare, I’ll come pick it up and save you the expense of postage. I promise to wear it, and will give you feedback, and will praise you in my next ‘Dances With Words’.
Sincerely,
Nick Wolochatiuk