Into a small sedan, insert a pouting early teen, her teasing younger brother, your ex-mother-in-law and two slobbering St. Bernards. The goal is to get somebody from here back to somewhere else, a distance of 700 kilometers in one day. That’s the recipe for the road trip to Hell.
The strategy is to get a crack of dawn early start, stopping only for gas, using the straight as an arrow controlled access highway whenever possible.
The reality is pulling out of the driveway two hours after sunrise, making a U-turn after about 30-minutes to retrieve a forgotten wallet and the suitcase that was left at the back door.
A section of the Interstate was closed due to a serial set of collisions involving impatient fans heading for a playoff football game. The GPS is in the other car. So are most of the road maps. Somehow, the distracted driver missed one of the detour turn-offs. The intermittent rain squalls reduce visibility, especially since the windshield washer reservoir is empty.
If the car had been equipped with an aircraft ‘black box’, the following is a sampling of the utterances recorded. Almost every statement is followed with an exclamation mark, indicating the level of tension on board, of passengers and crew:
“He touched me! Didn’t! Yes you did! I have to go to the bathroom! Why didn’t you go when we stopped for gas? Didn’t have to go then! Are we there yet? The dog is slobbering all over my good dress! He won’t let me have it! We don’t use that word here! Well, you do! If you don’t give it to him, I’ll go back there and give it to both of you! No, I didn’t mean you. You’re driving too fast! This road isn’t on the map. You’re using the map of the other state! So? Turn the air-conditioning down, I’m very chilled. I told you: you should have taken the train! I’m hungry! Eat the sandwiches your mother prepared! I don’t like that kind of mustard. I’m thirsty! Why aren’t we there yet! Borrring!! Your dog has just done something – and it smells! It’s not mine. It’s your dog. And I’m going to throw up!”
At the destination, all four doors were flung open, occupants scattering in different directions.
Ever been there, done that?
