This week, instead of submitting my column, I’m using an E-mail I received from a being claiming to be an alien. Somehow, he must be a Seaway News reader. I knew that you can pick up a copy at some local gas stations, pharmacies and supermarkets, but I’m surprised it’s also available in outer space.
Here’s his (or her?) letter:
Once again, my Christmas shopping orbit took me to your corner of the solar system so I decided to check out the bargains. The last time I was in your area was about a thousand or so years ago. How things have changed!
I noticed that most of the churches that used to be well-attended during what you called ‘Advent’ were almost empty. What seem to be your new places of attendance go by names such as ‘Spend-a-Buck’, ‘Impulse Central’, ‘House of Stuff’, ‘Frivolous R’ Us’, ‘Tchotchkes Unlimited’ and the ‘CothKwoa!’ located in Ottawa! Instead of bells ringing in steeples, it’s ka-ching, ka-ching at the cash registers. Their parking lots are full, the aisles are brimming with stacks of stuff quite unfamiliar to me. Or, instead of that, and rather than recitations of chants, it’s, “Will that be debit or credit?”
What do I mean by ‘unfamiliar stuff’? Back then, there were representations of sheep, mangers, shepherds, camels, a donkey, and an inn’s stable, a whopping big stationary star, angels and three guys from The Far East.
Today, I see stuff such as some fat guy with a beard, a snow man with a vegetable stuck in his face and a vertical row of nuggets of coal along his obese tummy. (Isn’t coal supposed to be a no-no these days?) Just take a look at the photo I sent to you. It’s of the stuff on the shelves.
Speaking of stuff on the shelves, how come you are selling denim jeans that are all out at the knees (and a few other places)? How come no wooden wagons and trucks for boys, and no knitted dolls for girls? All your plastic stuff is labelled ‘Fait au Chine’. What happened to your own factories?
Back then, you folks used to begin commemoration of Christmas in December, not the morning after Hallowe’en. Christmas: literal meaning is Christ’s mas (‘mass’ derived from ‘mass’, a gathering for commemoration and celebration). Now that I think of it, why have you changed Hallowe’en to ‘Halloween’, and Christmas to ‘Xmas’?
One of your seasonal slogans was “Peace on Earth to men of good will.” Will there be peace by Christmas? You seem to be quite short of good will these days. The next time my orbit allows a visit, I hope things are better with all of you, not only in your corner of Canada, but also in Israel, Gaza, Ukraine and yes, even in Russia.
