EDITOR’S NOTE: We have used a pseudonym in this story to protect ‘Sarah’s’ family, including her children, from being revictimized.
CORNWALL, Ontario – To hear Sarah tell her story of addiction is to peer into the life of someone who literally felt they had nothing to lose – including their life.
Sarah, (not her real name) is a Cornwall woman who has battled an alcohol addiction for decades. Whether it was beer, or liquor, Sarah drank it all.
Her life is a potpourri of tragedy and near-misses. And now…triumph.
Sarah has endured controlling, dysfunctional relationships with men. Her alcoholism very nearly cost the custody of her children and she had to bargain with herself to keep from ending it all in a garage filling with the exhaust fumes of her vehicle.
“My biggest problem when I was drinking is that I knew I was being the (worst) mother ever,” she said. “But I couldn’t stop myself.
“Drinking was all I had. I was terrified to quit drinking – I didn’t know what I was going to do.”
Turns out she actually did, it was just that Sarah had not yet hit bottom.
Following a lengthy stay at an in-house treatment centre in Toronto, and finally pushing the reset button on a life that was spiraling out of control, Sarah has made amends with herself and her choices.
She is speaking out now to help people who like her, struggle with addiction. Her name is being kept secret to protect family members, including her children, from further revictimization.
But for those who know her, Sarah’s battle with the bottle is very much public.
Her social media posts are candid – and the tone is stark.
“I have just been offered a beer. When I politely declined, the person offering said ‘C’mon, have a beer, there’s plenty to go around,'” she recounted recently in an online posting. “I responded with ‘I don’t drink because I am a recovering alcoholic.’ The person offering appeared to be stunned. I was then told that in no way do I look like an alcoholic.”
It’s true – she doesn’t. Like so many other struggling with alcoholism Sarah is just another face in the crowd, a mother who wants to provide for her children and put food on the table.
But on Oct. 22 last year she could hardly look at that face in the mirror. After telling her local addictions counsellor (like so many others it took more than one attempt at treatment to succeed) that she was doing a “fantastic” job battling her addiction, Sarah spent the day at a friend’s house drinking.
In her stupor she picked up her children from an appointment and drove them home.
“I showed up an hour and 10 minutes late,” she said. “The look of disgust on my daughter’s face the next day…She said to me that that was it. She didn’t trust me anymore.”
It was after that encounter with her daughter that she contemplated suicide.
“I had cried for about 10 minutes after dropping them off at the bus stop,” she said, adding she had returned home and had parked her vehicle in the garage. “I thought about just letting the motor run.”
With the knowledge that her children were being pushed away, and her life was crumbling, Sarah reached out for help.
What she received was a seven-week treatment regimen at a Toronto rehabilitation centre that turned her life around.
“I got out on Friday the 13th,” she said with a laugh. “But when I was there I realized there were people who had the same thing.
“I was surrounded by 40 people with the same problems as me. I was in a safe place where no one would judge me.”
Instead Sarah got the tools, and self-determination she had lacked for years.
“My addiction began when I was younger. I would drink to that glow,” she said. “But then I couldn’t just have a couple of drinks. I needed to have too many.”
When she returned from treatment Sarah realized wholesale changes were in order. She has terminated the abusive relationships of the past and has even started a new career.
Her message is a simple one – if you are in need of help, explore the treatment options available.
And to the loved ones of those grappling with addiction, it’s important (and difficult) to let the ill individual find their own way.
“You’ve got to want to change your life,” she said, adding she is candid about her alcoholism because it helps keep her sober. “As soon as you put it out there, you don’t hear about it anymore.”
Her online posts often results in dozens of replies, urging her to continue while others make mention of the fact that addicts could pick up on her strength.
“Hearing from people who have read (her posts)…it helps you want to keep going that much more.”
If the reaction she has received to date is any indication, the future is a bright one indeed.
If you are anyone you know needs help battling an addiction there are a slew of local options that can be found via quick Google searches or a phone call to the Cornwall Community Hospital.
