Hi, Santa,
By now you must be putting your feet up and taking a much deserved break. Although you don’t seem to have aged a bit, you and your elves sure do earn some downtime, considering that the gift-giving season seems to get longer every year. You and your reasonable facsimiles appear to be everywhere during the weeks leading up to Christmas, and children of all ages have never been more demanding.
Judging by your physique, you will no doubt be tucking into a large and elaborate Christmas Day feast.
You must be applauded, St. Nick, for several reasons. For starters, how do you maintain that upbeat cheery disposition all the time? Do you benefit from some sort of secret medication? Is there something extra pick-me-up you add to those cookies and milk?
And you obviously have no body image issues.
You must get a kick out of the tongue-in-cheek examinations of your risk factors. You are in the “plump to obese” range, defying the odds of you squeezing down chimneys unscathed. Your large chubby body makes you prone to sleep apnea, fatigue, diabetes, hypertension, heart disease. Plus, steering that high-flying sleigh for hours means that you are unable to walk around and get the blood moving, leading to the possibility of getting deep vein thrombosis.
And you must be a germ spreader, considering the close contact you have with countless numbers of children, who are eager to jump on your lap. Don’t talk to strangers, children are warned. But it is perfectly fine to cozy up with, and discuss your wishes with, a bearded old man who appears out of nowhere once a year.
Nobody has openly questioned your management techniques or your labour policies. If that song is based on facts, Rudolph was obviously a victim of bullying until you discovered that his unique facial feature could be put to good use. Animal rights activists have yet to ground those reindeer, even though they are working extended hours and are under pressure to meet deadlines.
Anyway, after all these years, after all the changes in the world, you have stuck with the same quaint look. You have obviously resisted any thoughts of updating your wardrobe, rejected notions of working off that belly fat, shrugged off any ideas about ditching the rough, long-haired look. Between us, have you checked out the “Santa Claus, The Original Hippie” song?
When it comes to icons, your popularity is indeed magical. Nobody can agree on anything these days. Any figure, mythical or real, is subject to criticism. “Toxic” and “polarized” are the most common adjectives used to describe the state of public discourse now.
And yet, everybody still loves you. In fact, if you trust some polls, about 30 per cent of Canadian adults actually believe in you, Kris Kringle.
Canadians are rightfully proud to note that your home, the North Pole, is located in our great country.
Our land can boast one of the oldest and largest Santa Claus parades in the world. You know that the Toronto parade started way back in 1913, when you were pulled through the streets of Hogtown, children marching along with you along the route.
All facets of Yuletide customs, even the origins of Yuletide, are open to interpretation and subject to debate.
Take the Christmas tree, one of the symbols most associated with this season. The scent of a freshly cut evergreen is heavenly; the sight of a sparking spruce is delightful. Yet, religious scholars note that the tradition of placing a fir tree in a house goes way back to ancient pagan cultures. It makes sense. Back in the day, pagans, dreading another long, dark, cold winter, noticed that while the forests around them were turning brown, there were standouts – the evergreens that kept their shape and colour year-round. So the logical thing to do was to chop down a perfectly good tree, drag it inside and dance around it, as pagans are wont to do. The evergreen is still considered to be a sign of eternal life, until the needles dry up and start falling, and the tree becomes a fire hazard.
Father Christmas, you are no doubt aware that there has always been discussion about if and when Christmas ought to be celebrated. The Nativity story has some skeptics.
Bad joke alert, big guy: “The virgin birth I can believe, but finding three wise men? Talk about your miracles!”
However, even among the many faithful who believe Jesus Christ was born in a manger in Bethlehem, there is a faction arguing that The Saviour was not born December 25, or even in the year A.D. 1.
The theory is that the Roman Catholic Church chose the 25th because it coincided with the winter solstice, a time to celebrate the days getting longer, and it was also a chance to overshadow other festivities, such as the Roman feast of Saturnalia, and other winter celebrations by, you guessed it, pagans. It’s hard to believe that Paganism has contributed to one of the biggest Christmas holidays. Of course, to this day pagans argue Christmas is based on their rituals.
So, jolly one, enough of the sombre stuff. Everyone loves you and you love everyone.
Nobody wants to be on the naughty list. There are so many nice people who are good all year-round. But generosity and good will come to the forefront at this time of year when the needs of the less fortunate tend to get more attention.
Christmas is not all about you, Santa. But you definitely helped to lift people’s spirits. So thanks for that. Hope you enjoyed the milk and cookies.
Let us know what you think at rmahoney@seawaynews.media
