They are called malapropisms, but for most of us, they are known as zingers.
This scribbler and former councillor/mayor Dick Aubry recently discovered that we have a collection of zinger-isms garnered over several years in or around municipal political playpens.
Here, as they say sans drum roll, are the keepers:
* There are too many ghosts in his closet.
* I think this is made of stimulated leather.
* This isn’t hedged in stone.
* We’ve got to split the I’s and T’s.
* Dog owners have to start picking up their animal’s fetuses.
* They’re trying to make a space goat out of him.
* You can’t put the horse before the cat.
* We need to talk to Visa Rail about improving service.
* Show me the verbal agreement. I want to see it.
* I even went so far as to be fair.
* The council agenda shouldn’t take long to deal with, there’s nothing contagious in it.
* Let’s get it in black and writing.
* You can’t have a gain with a loss (budget talks).
* We shouldn’t be fooling around. We’ve got the bull by the tail and we’re looking him straight in the eye.
* We will be giving him carte la blanche.
* Let’s not just discontinue it, let’s just stop it.
* You can lead a dead horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
* The public must learn to obey the traffic laws, like everybody else.
* If that group is going to stab me in the back, I want to be there.
* Now don’t go getting your dandruff up.
* This is a vagrant abuse of power.
* Let’s hold the meeting down stairs in the complex saloons.
* Juices priest, I can’t believe it.
* We’re going to get a lot of slack (flack) from the public.
* We should buy a decimal meter for the police traffic unit to deal with loud vehicles.
* There’s too much affluent (effluent) getting into the sewer system.
* Just give me the report’s headlights.
* I’m speaking off the cuff of my head.
* Let’s string some bob wire around the construction site.
* This bylaw is so incredible it is almost unbelieveable.
* Before I make a decision, I want to hear from an expertise on the issue.
* I’m telling ya Mr. Mayor, we’re skating on thin water.
* When a councillor wondered what was on in a colleague’s mind, the colleague replied that there was nothing in his mind.
Then there is my all-time favourite: A city councillor came up with a brilliant idea on how to allow large water craft to get under the Grey’s Creek bridge to and from the marina. He suggested that the river bed under the bridge be dredged to lower the water under the bridge.
Runner-up is this dandy. When urban renewal consultant Prof. Kent Barker cautioned council that it shouldn’t expect utopia, a councillor fired back, “What’s Ethiopia got to do with our problems?”
BACK IN 1937 – Cornwall Trades and Labour Council made a pitch to city council for Sunday transit service, saying the lack of it created a hardship for hundreds of workers. The council noted that many workers at Howard Smith Paper Mill and Courtaulds had to walk two and three miles to work on Sundays. While council was sympathetic, and Cornwall Street Railway was willing to provide the service, it was noted that provincial legislation didn’t allow for Sunday transit service in municipalities with fewer than 15,000 residents. At the time, Cornwall had fewer than 15,000. And, if the legislation changed, a referendum would be needed to gain public support. …. For the second time in three weeks, Palace Amusements on Oct. 25, 1937 announced plans for a new movie theatre. The unveiling of plans for a 700-seat theatre on Montreal Road at Prince Arthur Street came on the heels of plans for a 1,000-seat theatre on Pitt Street. The company already operated the Capitol (1,250 seats) and the Palace (750 seats). … David McCracken was hired as a police constable. Starting salary was $1,000 a year. … Council passed a bylaw restricting home milk deliveries between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. … Three dental offices were broken into and $140 worth of gold used for fillings and caps stolen. The offices belonged to Dr. R. S. Robertson, Dr. M. O. Good and Dr. J. B. Rouleau. … Provincial police were searching for a bicycle bandit who rode up behind victims, struck them on the back of the head and robbed them. The latest victim, Oscar Perron of Milles Roches, was robbed of $14 while walking at night along Highway 2 just west of Howard Smith Paper Mill. … A Cornwall man was fined $5 after Mag. P. C. Bergeron found him in contempt. After his son was fined $15 for reckless driving, the man stood up in court and gave the magistrate an unfavourable job review. … It was a court appearance record that has stood the test of time. An Cornwall man was convicted for the 53rd time when sentenced to one month in jail for being intoxicated in public. Most of the convictions were alcohol related.
TRIVIA ANSWER President Harry ‘Give ‘em Hell’ Truman once told a friend that if you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
TRIVIA What was Mark Twain’s real name?
QUOTED “Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I want: ‘How to build a boat.’ “ – Steven Wright
