By asking, “How are you today?” is usually intended as a greeting, a conversation opener. It’s not to be taken as a doctor’s query, such as, “We’re trying to identify the cause of your mysterious medical problem. Give me an exact and complete list of every single ailment you and any one of your ancestors ever had.”
However, I had an Aunt-in-law who would respond with, “Well, let me tell you the latest…” That was my cue to sit down, grab a cup of coffee and act as if I were that doctor I just mentioned.
Dear Aunty would also sit down, eyes fixed on me to ensure I was paying attention, and begin her recital: “Well, besides what I’ve always been suffering from, I think I may have come down with something new. It might be Achilles tendon, or acne, agoraphobia, alcoholism, allergic reaction to medication, allergies, anorexia, angina, appendicitis, athlete’s foot, beriberi, blisters, boredom, Botox abuse, bursitis, burns, cancer, canker, carpel tunnel syndrome, cat scratch fever, cat scratches, chafing, COVID, chronic fatigue syndrome, claustrophobia, constipation, delusions, dementia, depression, drowning, drug addiction, ear aches, epilepsy, exhaustion, erectile dysfunction, exposure, fever, food allergy, food-poisoning, fractures, fainting, falls, flatulence, flea bites, gall stones, glaucoma, Google diagnosis, hallucinations, heart attack, heart failure, heart murmur, high blood pressure, hypochondria, incontinence, infections, influenza, infertility, ingrown toe nail, insanity, insomnia, isolation, kleptomania, lack of proper hygiene, laryngitis, loneliness, low blood pressure, low sperm count, malaria, malnutrition, measles, menstrual cramps, mumps, myopia, nausea, nymphomania, obesity, obsessive-compulsiveness, overdosing, parasites, phobias, pink eye, pimples, poisoning, premature ejaculation, PTSD, rashes, restless foot syndrome, restlessness, road rash, self-diagnosis, septicemia, shyness, social anxiety disorder, sprains, stabbing, stammering, strep throat, strokes, stupidity, stuttering, sun burn, trauma, tuberculosis…or even yeast infection.”
Are you a bit like my dear Aunty? I’m sure you have a friend or relative just like that. Hmmm, underline the conditions that you yourself have endured.
If you’re interested in seeing people suffering from all those ailments, watch the BBC’s hilarious series, “Doc Martin”. He’s a general practitioner trying to deal with the people of the fishing village of England’s Port Wenn. Your public library probably has it available.
