A pet with absolutely no disadvantages

Columnist, Nick Wolochatiuk
A pet with absolutely no disadvantages
Nick Wolochatiuk

Let me tell you about our new perfect pet, but first, let me fill you in on the downers of letting a dog enter into your life.

Ask anyone who’s had a dog, “Are there any disadvantages to having a dog as a pet?” Their response will be a litany even longer than this: cost of spay and neuter are three digit numbers; add a two- digit fee for annual licence; same price for annual rabies and tick shots; dog food is as expensive as eating at McDonald’s every day; when puppy chews the phone and internet cables that’ll cost; hotels don’t usually allow dogs as guests; going on a cruise with a canine is possible, but only if it’s a certified guide dog; same goes for restaurants; dealing with Fido on a shopping trip: he can’t stay in the car; if you’re going on the twice a day walkies means you carry a plastic doggy bag for every kilometer covered; on that walky, a sniff sniff and tinkle tinkle pause must take place at every lamp post, fire hydrant, tree trunk, garbage can and car tire. That daily journey must take place following the U.S. Postal Service motto: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these…”. These dog walkers from the slow completion doggy’s rounds! Unlike dog owners, postal workers get summer holidays, weekends off and sick leave. If your canine can’t go with you to work or somewhere else, he needs a fenced in run, and weather-proof dog house. Grooming will set you back more than your own. You can clip your own toenails, but it takes a skilled groomer podiatrist to do a four-legged. Dogs aren’t covered by OHIP. Inevitably, your circle of friends and relatives will include some who are allergic to dog dander, are canine-phobic and have children who don’t have a clue about how to behave with a mastiff or a territorial yapper. Most folks don’t like to have their crotch sniffed.

DOVEY DOVE – Absolutely no Photoshop editing was applied to this shot of our very special pet. (Photo by Nick Wolochatiuk)

Now, let me tell you about our very special pet. We call her ‘Dovey’. (Due to copyright restrictions we couldn’t call her ‘Dove’, since Unilever has marketed their beauty soap under that name since 1957.)

Dovey is quite content to stay indoors 24/7, even throughout this year’s every 366 days. The April solar eclipse won’t damage her eyesight. Take a glance at her photograph to understand why not. Because of her distinctive anterior profile, there is no need to feed her. For the same reason, there are no droppings emanating from her posterior. Our only periodic expense is getting a plasterer to fill in the rounded indentations in our plaster walls. Lacking eyesight, Dovey has numerous collisions, but she’s a tough old bird. Great pet!

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